Satire online dating
The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans of tomorrow.
' NY Mayor to hold peace talks with rats, apologize for previous Mayor's cowboy diplomacy China launches cube-shaped space object with a message to aliens: "The inhabitants of Earth will steal your intellectual property, copy it, manufacture it in sweatshops with slave labor, and sell it back to you at ridiculously low prices" Progressive scientists: Truth is a variable deduced by subtracting 'what is' from 'what ought to be' Experts agree: Hillary Clinton best candidate to lessen percentage of Americans in top 1% America's attempts at peace talks with the White House continue to be met with lies, stalling tactics, and bad faith Starbucks new policy to talk race with customers prompts new hashtag #Dont Hold Up The Line Hillary: DELETE is the new RESET Charlie Hebdo receives Islamophobe 2015 award; the cartoonists could not be reached for comment due to their inexplicable, illogical deaths Russia sends 'reset' button back to Hillary: 'You need it now more than we do' Barack Obama finds out from CNN that Hillary Clinton spent four years being his Secretary of State President Obama honors Leonard Nimoy by taking selfie in front of Starship Enterprise Police: If Obama had a convenience store, it would look like Obama Express Food Market Study finds stunning lack of racial, gender, and economic diversity among middle-class white males NASA: We're 80% sure about being 20% sure about being 17% sure about being 38% sure about 2014 being the hottest year on record People holding '$15 an Hour Now' posters sue Democratic party demanding raise to $15 an hour for rendered professional protesting services Cuba-US normalization: US tourists flock to see Cuba before it looks like the US and Cubans flock to see the US before it looks like Cuba White House describes attacks on Sony Pictures as 'spontaneous hacking in response to offensive video mocking Juche and its prophet' CIA responds to Democrat calls for transparency by releasing the director's cut of Obama: 'If I had a city, it would look like Ferguson' Biden: 'If I had a Ferguson (hic), it would look like a city' Obama signs executive order renaming 'looters' to 'undocumented shoppers' Ethicists agree: two wrongs do make a right so long as Bush did it first The aftermath of the 'War on Women 2014' finds a new 'Lost Generation' of disillusioned Democrat politicians, unable to cope with life out of office White House: Republican takeover of the Senate is a clear mandate from the American people for President Obama to rule by executive orders Nurse Kaci Hickox angrily tells reporters that she won't change her clocks for daylight savings time Democratic Party leaders in panic after recent poll shows most Democratic voters think 'midterm' is when to end pregnancy Desperate Democratic candidates plead with Obama to stop backing them and instead support their GOP opponents Ebola Czar issues five-year plan with mandatory quotas of Ebola infections per each state based on voting preferences Study: crony capitalism is to the free market what the Westboro Baptist Church is to Christianity Fun facts about world languages: the Left has more words for statism than the Eskimos have for snow African countries to ban all flights from the United States because "Obama is incompetent, it scares us" Nobel Peace Prize controversy: Hillary not nominated despite having done even less than Obama to deserve it Obama: 'Ebola is the JV of viruses' BREAKING: Secret Service foils Secret Service plot to protect Obama Revised 1st Amendment: buy one speech, get the second free Sharpton calls on white NFL players to beat their women in the interests of racial fairness President Obama appoints his weekly approval poll as new national security adviser Obama wags pen and phone at Putin; Europe offers support with powerful pens and phones from NATO members White House pledges to embarrass ISIS back to the Stone Age with a barrage of fearsome Twitter messages and fatally ironic Instagram photos Obama to fight ISIS with new federal Terrorist Regulatory Agency Obama vows ISIS will never raise their flag over the eighteenth hole Harry Reid: "Sometimes I say the wong thing" Elian Gonzalez wishes he had come to the U. on a bus from Central America like all the other kids Obama visits US-Mexican border, calls for a two-state solution Obama draws "blue line" in Iraq after Putin took away his red crayon "Hard Choices," a porno flick loosely based on Hillary Clinton's memoir and starring Hillary Hellfire as a drinking, whoring Secretary of State, wildly outsells the flabby, sagging original Accusations of siding with the enemy leave Sgt.Bergdahl with only two options: pursue a doctorate at Berkley or become a Senator from Massachusetts Jay Carney stuck in line behind Eric Shinseki to leave the White House; estimated wait time from 15 min to 6 weeks 100% of scientists agree that if man-made global warming were real, "the last people we'd want to help us is the Obama administration" Jay Carney says he found out that Obama found out that he found out that Obama found out that he found out about the latest Obama administration scandal on the news "Anarchy Now!" meeting turns into riot over points of order, bylaws, and whether or not 'kicking the #^@&*!ass' of the person trying to speak is or is not violence Obama retaliates against Putin by prohibiting unionized federal employees from dating hot Russian girls online during work hours Russian separatists in Ukraine riot over an offensive You Tube video showing the toppling of Lenin statues "Free Speech Zones" confuse Obamaphone owners who roam streets in search of additional air minutes Obamacare bolsters employment for professionals with skills to convert meth back into sudafed Gloves finally off: Obama uses pen and phone to cancel Putin's Netflix account Joe Biden to Russia: "We will bury you by turning more of Eastern Europe over to your control!" In last-ditch effort to help Ukraine, Obama deploys Rev. Jackson's Rainbow Coalition to Crimea Al Sharpton: "Not even Putin can withstand our signature chanting, 'racist, sexist, anti-gay, Russian army go away'! " Obama's foreign policy works: "War, invasion, and conquest are signs of weakness; we've got Putin right where we want him" US offers military solution to Ukraine crisis: "We will only fight countries that have LGBT military" Putin annexes Brighton Beach to protect ethnic Russians in Brooklyn, Obama appeals to UN and EU for help The 1980s: "Mr.Obama, we're just calling to ask if you want our foreign policy back.
The 1970s are right here with us, and they're wondering, too." In a stunning act of defiance, Obama courageously unfriends Putin on Facebook MSNBC: Obama secures alliance with Austro-Hungarian Empire against Russia’s aggression in Ukraine Study: springbreak is to STDs what April 15th is to accountants Efforts to achieve moisture justice for California thwarted by unfair redistribution of snow in America North Korean voters unanimous: "We are the 100%" Leader of authoritarian gulag-site, The People's Cube, unanimously 're-elected' with 100% voter turnout Super Bowl: Obama blames Fox News for Broncos' loss Feminist author slams gay marriage: "a man needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle" Beverly Hills campaign heats up between Henry Waxman and Marianne Williamson over the widening income gap between millionaires and billionaires in their district Biden to lower $10,000-a-plate Dinner For The Homeless to $5,000 so more homeless can attend Kim becomes world leader, feeds uncle to dogs; Obama eats dogs, becomes world leader, America cries uncle North Korean leader executes own uncle for talking about Obamacare at family Christmas party White House hires part-time schizophrenic Mandela sign interpreter to help sell Obamacare Kim Jong Un executes own "crazy uncle" to keep him from ruining another family Christmas OFA admits its advice for area activists to give Obamacare Talk at shooting ranges was a bad idea President resolves Obamacare debacle with executive order declaring all Americans equally healthy Obama to Iran: "If you like your nuclear program, you can keep your nuclear program" Bovine community outraged by flatulence coming from Washington DC Obama: "I'm not particularly ideological; I believe in a good pragmatic five-year plan" Shocker: Obama had no knowledge he'd been reelected until he read about it in the local newspaper last week Server problems at Health so bad, it now flashes 'Error 808' message NSA marks National Best Friend Day with official announcement: "Government is your best friend; we know you like no one else, we're always there, we're always willing to listen" Al Qaeda cancels attack on USA citing launch of Obamacare as devastating enough The President's latest talking point on Obamacare: "I didn't build that" Dizzy with success, Obama renames his wildly popular healthcare mandate to Hillary Care Carney: huge Obama Care deductibles won't look as bad come hyperinflation Washington Redskins drop 'Washington' from their name as offensive to most Americans Poll: 83% of Americans favor cowboy diplomacy over rodeo clown diplomacy GOVERNMENT WARNING: If you were able to complete Obama Care form online, it wasn't a legitimate gov't website; you should report online fraud and change all your passwords Obama administration gets serious, threatens Syria with Obama Care Obama authorizes the use of Vice President Joe Biden's double-barrel shotgun to fire a couple of blasts at Syria Sharpton: "British royals should have named baby 'Trayvon.' By choosing 'George' they sided with white Hispanic racist Zimmerman" DNC launches 'Carlos Danger' action figure; proceeds to fund a charity helping survivors of the Republican War on Women Nancy Pelosi extends abortion rights to the birds and the bees Hubble discovers planetary drift to the left Obama: 'If I had a daughter-in-law, she would look like Rachael Jeantel' FISA court rubberstamps statement denying its portrayal as government's rubber stamp Every time Obama Care gets delayed, a Julia somewhere dies GOP to Schumer: 'Force full implementation of Obama Care before 2014 or Dems will never win another election' Obama: 'If I had a son... ' Janet Napolitano: TSA findings reveal that since none of the hijackers were babies, elderly, or Tea Partiers, 9/11 was not an act of terrorism News Flash: Sen.
Mary Landrieu (D-LA) can see Canada from South Dakota Susan Rice: IRS actions against tea parties caused by anti-tax You Tube video that was insulting to their faith Drudge Report reduces font to fit all White House scandals onto one page Obama: the IRS is a constitutional right, just like the Second Amendment White House: top Obama officials using secret email accounts a result of bad IT advice to avoid spam mail from Nigeria Jay Carney to critics: 'Pinocchio never said anything inconsistent' Obama: If I had a gay son, he'd look like Jason Collins Gosnell's office in Benghazi raided by the IRS: mainstream media's worst cover-up challenge to date IRS targeting pro-gay-marriage LGBT groups leads to gayest tax revolt in U. history After Arlington Cemetery rejects offer to bury Boston bomber, Westboro Babtist Church steps up with premium front lawn plot Boston: Obama Administration to reclassify marathon bombing as 'sportsplace violence' Study: Success has many fathers but failure becomes a government program US Media: Can Pope Francis possibly clear up Vatican bureaucracy and banking without blaming the previous administration?
Michelle Obama praises weekend rampage by Chicago teens as good way to burn calories and stay healthy This Passover, Obama urges his subjects to paint lamb's blood above doors in order to avoid the Sequester White House to American children: Sequester causes layoffs among hens that lay Easter eggs; union-wage Easter Bunnies to be replaced by Mexican Chupacabras Time Mag names Hugo Chavez world's sexiest corpse Boy, 8, pretends banana is gun, makes daring escape from school Study: Free lunches overpriced, lack nutrition Oscars 2013: Michelle Obama announces long-awaited merger of Hollywood and the State Joe Salazar defends the right of women to be raped in gun-free environment: 'rapists and rapees should work together to prevent gun violence for the common good' Dept.
of Health and Human Services eliminates rape by reclassifying assailants as 'undocumented sex partners' Kremlin puts out warning not to photoshop Putin riding meteor unless bare-chested Deeming football too violent, Obama moves to introduce Super Drone Sundays instead Japan offers to extend nuclear umbrella to cover U. should America suffer devastating attack on its own defense spending Feminists organize one billion women to protest male oppression with one billion lap dances Urban community protests Mayor Bloomberg's ban on extra-large pop singers owning assault weapons Answering public skepticism, President Obama authorizes unlimited drone attacks on all skeet targets throughout the country Skeet Ulrich denies claims he had been shot by President but considers changing his name to 'Traps' White House releases new exciting photos of Obama standing, sitting, looking thoughtful, and even breathing in and out New York Times hacked by Chinese government, Paul Krugman's economic policies stolen White House: when President shoots skeet, he donates the meat to food banks that feed the middle class To prove he is serious, Obama eliminates armed guard protection for President, Vice-President, and their families; establishes Gun-Free Zones around them instead State Dept to send 100,000 American college students to China as security for US debt obligations Jay Carney: Al Qaeda is on the run, they're just running forward President issues executive orders banning cliffs, ceilings, obstructions, statistics, and other notions that prevent us from moving forwards and upward Fearing the worst, Obama Administration outlaws the fan to prevent it from being hit by certain objects World ends; S&P soars Riddle of universe solved; answer not understood Meek inherit Earth, can't afford estate taxes Greece abandons Euro; accountants find Greece has no Euros anyway Wheel finally reinvented; axles to be gradually reinvented in 3rd quarter of 2013 Bigfoot found in Ohio, mysteriously not voting for Obama As Santa's workshop files for bankruptcy, Fed offers bailout in exchange for control of 'naughty and nice' list Freak flying pig accident causes bacon to fly off shelves Obama: green economy likely to transform America into a leading third world country of the new millennium Report: President Obama to visit the United States in the near future Obama promises to create thousands more economically neutral jobs Modernizing Islam: New York imam proposes to canonize Saul Alinsky as religion's latter day prophet Imam Rauf's peaceful solution: 'Move Ground Zero a few blocks away from the mosque and no one gets hurt' Study: Obama's threat to burn tax money in Washington 'recruitment bonanza' for Tea Parties Study: no Social Security reform will be needed if gov't raises retirement age to at least 814 years Obama attends church service, worships self Obama proposes national 'Win The Future' lottery; proceeds of new WTF Powerball to finance more gov't spending Historical revisionists: "Hey, you never know" Vice President Biden: criticizing Egypt is un-pharaoh Israelis to Egyptian rioters: "don't damage the pyramids, we will not rebuild" Lake Superior renamed Lake Inferior in spirit of tolerance and inclusiveness Al Gore: It's a shame that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of polar bears Michael Moore: As long as there is anyone with money to shake down, this country is not broke Obama's teleprompters unionize, demand collective bargaining rights Obama calls new taxes 'spending reductions in tax code.' Elsewhere rapists tout 'consent reductions in sexual intercourse' Obama's teleprompter unhappy with White House Twitter: "Too few words" Obama's Regulation Reduction committee finds US Constitution to be expensive outdated framework inefficiently regulating federal gov't Taking a page from the Reagan years, Obama announces new era of Perestroika and Glasnost Responding to Oslo shootings, Obama declares Christianity "Religion of Peace," praises "moderate Christians," promises to send one into space Republicans block Obama's $420 billion program to give American families free charms that ward off economic bad luck White House to impose Chimney tax on Santa Claus Obama decrees the economy is not soaring as much as previously decreeed Conservative think tank introduces children to capitalism with pop-up picture book "The Road to Smurfdom" Al Gore proposes to combat Global Warming by extracting silver linings from clouds in Earth's atmosphere Obama refutes charges of him being unresponsive to people's suffering: "When you pray to God, do you always hear a response?
" Obama regrets the US government didn't provide his mother with free contraceptives when she was in college Fluke to Congress: drill, baby, drill!
Planned Parenthood introduces Frequent Flucker reward card: 'Come again soon!